Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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