Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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