One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
