Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
