Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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