he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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