Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
