my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
