My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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