I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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