I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
