She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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