Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
