I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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