well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
