do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
