you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
