did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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