Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
