I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
