New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
