you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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