i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
