my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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