brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
