i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
