Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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