The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize