erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
