Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
