My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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