He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
