I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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