Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
