Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
