just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
