The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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