dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
