you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
this beer tastes like vomit already
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
