My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
