I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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