jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
