life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
be right there i have to get my cape
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
