If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
