my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
