So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
