Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
