Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He felt like a one man threesome
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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