Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
