I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
