I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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